This is how I feel every single time I try not to pirate something

17 09 2014

“You must first enable Kinect functionality by logging into MSN via Facebook before continuing.”

“Thank you for logging in. To enable Kinect, you must be logged into Games For Windows Live”

“Thank you for logging in. You must activate your membership card, which is 60 a year for online play, and 50 for single play.”

“Thank you for activating your card, please take this time to update your account with your address, phone number, and last colonoscopy.”

“Thank you for updating your information. The service you are trying to use is not available in your country*.”

*(The last one will only be true if you live outside the US,  about 70% of the time if you’re Canadian and 95% in Europe)

 





Introverts unite!

13 09 2014

 





Bullshit Comics #1

1 09 2014

A guest entry by Liz Currie/Rainbow Avenger

(Spoilers for old comics, and a new one.)

Recently, a friend told me he had “Good news!” Midnighter is back in the comics. In someone else’s title, and he lost a fight to Nightwing, and there’s no Authority, oh and no Apollo. At this point I was sitting aghast, staring with horror at my screen and thinking “Please get to the good news, because this is tragic!”

The good news is it isn’t as bad as it sounds. The title is “Grayson” nos 1 & 2. Nightwing doesn’t defeat Midnighter. He bats Dick Nightwing (the former would be a better story: ed.) around a bit asking questions and just as Mids decides to end the interrogation by caving in his skull, he is rudely propelled a mile out of panel by an explosion, whereupon Dick pulls a Sir Robin and bravely runs away, away.

This was a lucky break for Bird Boy, because in 2008’s Wildstorm/DCU crossover series DreamWar, Batman was supposed to have an epic fight with Midnighter; one that ended in an honourable draw that satisfied both sets of fans. According to the editors (via Newsarama) It never happened because a room full of writers spent hours plotting out that fight and couldn’t find a single plausible scenario where Midnighter didn’t beat the crap out of him. It just wasn’t an equal match-up. So Batman fought Zealot instead – and lost.

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So no, Midnighter isn’t going to lose a fight to the sidekick. He could thrash Dick Grayson without stopping to let Apollo pull out. (That scene has been written because fangirls are perverts.)

The bad news is that DC Comics – the kings of chronic masturbatory world wankery – have done it again. Midnighter is alone. DC’s ever shrinking Authority roadshow has been shedding members with every reboot. The last one had already been reduced to “Midnighter and Friends” and I had a pretty good, cynical and it seems accurate feeling that the next iteration would be a solo act. This is bullshit.

Toward the end of the Authority’s Morrison run, Midnight left Apollo. He broke it off without saying goodbye because Reasons that involved time-travel, protecting the future for the sake of his friends and other motivations usually beyond the grasp of high-functioning psychopaths. He spent five years hiding in Russia, drinking too much and being utterly miserable.

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All a trick of course. When Midnighter finally figured out that one bastard had stolen five years of his married life, he responded by performing a trick that Dick Grayson didn’t learn in the circus, and ripped the guy’s spine out in a panel so iconically 90’s in its’ glorification of gratuitous violence that Rob Liefield probably orgasmed at the thought of plagiarising it. And then he swore to never leave again.

So no, Midnighter doesn’t just walk away from his family anymore. Ignoring that vow is bad writing. It’s ignorant and disrespectful of internal consistency. Wiping his family from existence exhibits callous disregard for the characters and their world. This also breaks my flinty heart because Apollo and Midnighter aren’t just the nicest gay married couple in the DCU, they’re the nicest married couple, period. Ralph and Sue Dibny came close, and look what DC did to them. The only couple who could be cuter are Booster Gold and Blue Beetle, but that marriage only exists on LiveJournal.

Apollo is also the longest-suffering Man in a Refrigerator in comics, but that’s another rant.

Someone is going to point out that all of this continuity was a reboot or two ago and doesn’t count. Actually (depending on the definition of the term) it’s four, possibly five reboots ago, but it doesn’t matter because ignoring character meta-evolution is bullshit. Rewinding characters through the same crises over and over like the one good track on an 80s mixed tape is also bullshit. That’s not character development, it’s prostitution.

“But I buy it because he’s a gay character!”

Wrong.

The time has passed when you buy a comic just because it has fill-in-the-blank minority character. If the protagonist of “Cookie Grrls” is an empty-headed, giggling Stepford wife in an apron you don’t sigh and buy the book anyway because it features a woman. If the hero of “Captain Rastus” is a grotesque, frizzled-haired golliwog flinging magical watermelons you don’t roll your eyes and slap a tenner on the counter anyway because the star is African-American. You tell the publisher “This is bullshit.” We’ve moved past that. So let’s stop flinging good money after bad titles to reward exploitation. Don’t buy the comic because it has a gay/black/female character; buy it because it has a GOOD character.

This is DC. This is the imprint that made Batwoman a lesbian, then barred her from marrying her girlfriend. These are the people that announced a gay Green Lantern, then retconned a minor Earth-2 Lantern that no one gave a shit about and then killed his fiancé in issue one. They like to pantomime the appearance of inclusivity on social media, ensure that their G/L character’s sexual orientation is tragic or irrelevent by depicting them as sexless, celibate, emasculated and alone. They’re going to keep raping their own characters as long as people keep paying to read it.

So stop paying for it. Really, it’s bullshit.

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Thank you for calling the United States

1 09 2014

CANDSTARsmTo be invaded, press 1.

To be droned, press 2.

To file a complaint, press any key. As long as it’s 2.





I liked Hook

15 08 2014

There. I did my duty as a member of western society to say something about Robin Williams. One thing. Which should realy be enough for everyone to get whatever they feel about him out of their system.

I don’t care who you are, if you post one more thing about Robin Williams I’m unfollowing your feed.  Unless you were a personal friend or a family member every shit that could possibly be given about this has been given. The people who don’t know Fox News is full of shit will not get it because of the fuzz about this no matter what article you link. And those of us with depression will have to keep acting normal, now more than ever because otherwise semi-caring shits who read too many stupid Robin Williams links will not stop bugging us until we force a fake smile so they can feel good about themselves.

I’m so sick of this crap. If you want to be aware of depression I suggest you read up on it and the fact that promoting suicides as massively as this actualy causes more suicides. Yes that’s what you’re doing, making more people kill themselves you fucking twits.





50 Shades of I don’t give a shit

24 07 2014

Oh look there is the trailer for a god-awful movie they made out of a god-awful book. And this is a bad thing.

Not because it’s a shitty movie, because there are enough shitty movies that one more won’t matter but this one is like a stealth bomber passing right under every left-wing/nerd guys radar of understanding. Because they are trying to be all politically correct and change our patriarchal society (and its a good thing they do) by attacking all the wrong targets (which isn’t). Recently that’s usually been skimpy outfits in comics and that women are presented as too sexy, showing their complete lack of understanding that women actually had to fight for the right to show of as much as they fucking want, without guys getting to judge them as proven by every religious and patriarchal society making them ashamed of their bodies all the time. Read up on the history of the miniskirt in Britain. It’s not what you probably think it is if you’re worried that women don’t get to dress conservatively enough. Here’s a hint, if men get to decide how women look it’s not like this:

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Its like this:

A-Muslim-woman-wearing-a--007

Please spare me the Islam defense, a nun is basically the same thing. I’m not anti Islam, I’m anti religion. In fact I’m anti-conservative. And that current wave of defending women reeks of hidden conservatives ideals to me. It’s basicaly slut-shaming hiding behind political correctness. So why does 50 Shades of Grey come into play here? Well just like a certain group not getting that it’s perfectly alright if women do want to dress sexy (have you been at a cosplay con… ever? Tell me again the female fans mind the sexy outfits) they also would have their mind blown that women can like sex and in fact have porn.

Now I’m huuuuugely generalizing here and making myself to vulnerable to attack but I don’t feel like turning this into a book so I’m keeping things simple. For a lot/some/a significant number of females I’ve known, erotic writing is their porn. Fanfiction with shipping, all those cheap novels, all that. And for some reason I never got and don’t have to this stuff often includes S/M themes, control and a frightening amount of rape. Don’t worry half the time its guys getting raped by other guys, the fanfic writers even have a cute term for it so they don’t have to call it rape but I can’t remember it right now. All not the point. The point is that while this may blow your mind and doesn’t fit your current few that girls need to be defended from all things smut, they have dirty minds and that is fucking alright. Do not try to make them Princess Peach, because they’re not innocent little idols for you to put on a pedestal, they’re people.

So if some of them like the sort of dirt that 50 Shades of Grey is then let them enjoy it, no one is telling you to not watch redtube to get off either. But here’s the thing 50 Shades of Grey is not:

  • It’s not a patriarchal attack on women’s liberties.
  • It’s not men trying to push a certain worldview about submissive women.
  • It is not a sexual fantasy for guys.

What it is one very simple thing. It’s a sexual fantasy by a woman, made for women, bought and consumed by women.

Now if you’re a woman who doesn’t like that crap, that is perfectly fine and from my view understandable. There are probably some worrisome issues worth addressing here. But please just this once, it really really wasn’t us guys. Not even the pigs. I swear. Our porn looks very very much more obvious. We don’t go for all the buildup, ours goes straight to the blowjobs okay?

And if you’re a guy outraged about this first also consider the points above. And second consider this one: Maybe don’t get to judge what gets some women of. Who the hell do you think you are?

It may not suit our few of an enlightened progressive society but this ain’t Star Trek people, some people are into things you consider garbage. Yes even women. Yes even your mom. DEAL WITH IT.

 





Why does the new Appleseed trailer look like a generic western shooter?

23 06 2014

The last two Appleseed movies were amazing celebrations of high gloss high-tech, the sort of thing you just don’t see anymore. And as far as I know reasonably succesful too. So what’s this shit? It looks like any generic shooter trailer at E3. And our concept for new movie is…. BROWN!

 








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