Sonic the Hedgehoc

3 08 2010

by AngryPanda

Hey there childhood hero. Looking good.

Some people love Mario and I can certainly sympathize with a game series that continuously delivers high quality gameplay in a fun, colorful world. Plus they got Yoshi and seriously that makes it a close race because Yoshi is absolutely awesome. But for me personally Sonic still wins. He wins every bloody race because he’s the fastest thing alive. Sonic is fantastic mascot and game hero. He’s cute, sleek and just oozes fun from every pore. He’s also sort of hip and cool from the perspective of a six-year-old, which should be a demographic you look for if you want to create a franchise. Apart from his signature look he also has an integrated superpower that makes his games unique. This both helps do differentiate him from others it also takes him on the level of a superhero and considering his devastating spin attack even beyond that into a sort of “Wheel of Doom/living engine of destruction” league. Apart from all that he doesn’t live in the Mushroom Kingdom but in a world that’s a weird mix of a “younger and hipper” Disney cartoon world (sans the annoying humans and the even worse singing) and a cyberpunk dystopia. That’s just fantastic and it also gives a permanent eco-warriorish theme and reason for his adventures.  It’s not much but it is a bit more than the constant “save Princess Peach” thing they got going with Mario that turned Bowser into both the most creepy and least successful stalker in the history of turtle-dragon-evil-overlord-thingies (I hear his racing career is going well though). Said enemies are nothing less than cyborg-animal-killer robots. Now that’s just a blast. In most cases there’s innocent animals trapped in these things that you free by shredding the robot. That’s both nasty enough to give you a sense of supreme righteousness and solves the whole killing issue of concerned parents (and anything that shuts those up is a good thing. Well, maybe not a shotgun. In most cases…). So no offense to the little plumber for me Sonic is THE video game icon.

Unfortunately that name has been tarnished so much it can be considered ruined and strange enough it wasn’t these guys. And no, while they pretty much put the nail in the coffin for his own consoles it wasn’t them either. No, it was his own people who did it by releasing one shitty game after the next. The only one to blame is right here.

Yes, it was you and only you. Twats.

In the honored tradition of cooperation wasting good air to make pathetic excuses Sega now claims that the games aren’t bad, people just don’t get them. I’m very sorry Sega. We know nobody ever gets you, especially your parents. Now go sit with the other emos. Here’s a newsflash for you (and really for all other companies too): If you’re game sucks it’s no ones fault but your own!

“Fans are not positive towards the recent 3D Sonic games because we’ve been releasing only 3D Sonic games in the past couple of years. It’s hard to please both 2D and 3D fans at the same time, in the same title for instance.”

And the dog ate your homework? Come on guys, there’s so much wrong with that statement alone I could take all day to pick it apart. Let me get this straight.

If you can't turn this into fun you should consider a career in accounting.

You got THIS. If people are not having fun with that it is not because they had wrong expectations it is because you made a shitty game. If the problem would have been that they didn’t want 3D platformers maybe you should have stayed on 2D. There are some very good hybrids with 3D look and 2D gameplay out there. But seriously, that’s not the real reason. The number one platformer of all time (if you still need to tell me who that is you should consider taking yourself out of the gene pool now) went 3D and showed everyone how it is done. Super Mario Galaxy brings in massive amounts of cash and is hugely successful. It does this by mixing various playstyles seamlessly. It’s not so bad that you made bad games (well ok. It sort of is) but trying to cover it up is even worse since it really doesn’t give anyone much hope that things will get better soon. You’ve been living of a reputation made in the 90s. Unless something changes soon I doubt Sonic will even still be famous five years from now. I wish the fact that it’s a great character and he deserves better would matter to you but I doubt it does. At least consider this: YOU WON’T MAKE ANY MORE MONEY WITH HIM!

Sega was an early victim of the console-wars and I genuinely hope they will survive somehow. Because as shitty as they treated Sonic it would still be better than having the license fall into the hands of other new developers who would turn into in a grey and brown FPS for the HARDCORE, taking out all colors, turning his enemies into human terrorists and replacing his friends with a bunch of hookers to either kill or lay (quite possibly both).

We still love you Sonic. Hang in there.




2 responses

13 08 2010
Looks like I was wrong about Sega « This would be more awesome with lasers

[…] Sonic levels, they even have the billboard with Dr. Robotnik’s/Sonic’s face on them. I expressed my appreciation for Sonic in an older post and I have to say that for one of the few people left who care about that name this is absolutely […]

18 04 2011
In their defense, they are morons. « This would be more awesome with lasers

[…] you can never be so far out of the loop that you can’t make an ass out of yourself. Since I’ve talked about Sonic before I felt like I should be sharing this […]

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