The Hoff

6 08 2010

by AngryPanda

There are many things in this world I don’t understand. Quantum physics. The purpose of life. Girls.  Why I can be broke without even going shopping. Why online game delivery services only provide local game versions. Why vampires sparkle. Why no one noticed that nothing happens in Superman Returns while they shot the damn thing. But the one mystery above all others that simply doesn’t make any sense to me whatsoever is  David Hasselhoff. Why does he exist? Why is he famous? Who bought shirts with his face on it? And for god’s sake who told him he can sing? So, because I got this in my head and because it sucks I will write about the Hoff today, just so you can share in my suffering.

For your own sake you should stop reading this.

I don’t get this guy. So he was casted for Knight Rider which ran for something like 3 seasons and a follow-up movie. Now I get that this series for some reason was massively popular and spawned no less than two more series which seemed to fail as much as the outdated concept would imply. I never understood why it is so popular, I was more of an Airwolf-kid. But ok it was there. I even understand why Germans love their Hasselhoff and the surrounding shift in the media that made that happen. But even they got over it. Hopefully. I don’t think anyone actually wants to go check. I’d rather face down Cthullu. But after that? Shouldn’t he have vanished from the public conscience. It’s not like Chuck Norris who was some sort of Karate Champion, had a creepy mancrush movie, was in TV for eternity as Walker Texas Ranger and had his name said about 213 bazillion times in the intro of his own cartoon (seriously, try to count it). That had to become a meme (I think Barrens Chat helped). But the Hoff? Why did he stay famous? Don’t tell me it was Baywatch, a teenage masturbation fantasy is no valid claim to fame, not even the strange sort you get on the internet.

Not even Lucifer could claim there was another reason for this series without blushing in shame.

So what is it with that guy? Why is he even remembered? Apart from the fact that his own page is called HoffSpace, which is sort of awesome I think he should have been swallowed by the black hole of oblivion. Not even Vanilla Ice has anything close to this and he was much more hilarious.

If you hate yourself and want to be jealous of blind people you should watch his movie.

Now that dude is what the stuff of legends are made of. Plus he can’t sing either which should let him catch up even more. The only thing I found that really can’t easily be beaten is the following vid. You got to watch this thing. Seriously. You do not want to die without having seen the worst use of bluescreen editing one could possibly imagine.

I don’t think words can do this justice. My favorite is the scene with the two dogs and the angels who are completely out-of-place in the scene anyway. If you haven’t died laughing from the thing itself I honestly don’t know how I can make more fun of it than it does by itself. Thankfully some people who are way more talented than me have already done so and created a literal version of this song. It’s a blast.

With nothing further to say I will close this post with the only remaining question.

WHY?!

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