Cryptic’s Neverwinter Nights and the circle of fail

24 08 2010

by AngryPanda

Take a good look and cherish your memories before the raping starts.

Cryptic announced that they will release the Neverwinter Nights MMO.

“Time begins and then time ends and then time begins once again. It is happening now, it has happened before it will surely happen again.”

For those who don’t know, Cryptic is the developer responsible for bringing us that two massive failures Champions and Star Trek Online. They are used by Atari, or rather Infrogames, wearing the dead husk of Atari like that alien in Men in Black wears human skin. The plan is simple. Take 12 to 18 month, develop the shell of an MMO with a famous and beloved IP, cash in on the initial sales and then move on. None of these games hold more than a month content and they are to a real MMO what a worn out shoe is to jet engine. Cryptic taking on an IP is a bit like the Lexx looking at a planet.

Cryptic's approach to things you love.

If the pattern is not obvious enough from the previous releases you should consider that Champions was originally planned to be nothing less than Marvel Universe Online before Marvel pulled out on the deal. They probably got to see the work in progress. With that we would have Marvel and Star Trek. Compared to that Neverwinter Nights seems almost like a small fry but I’d say among gamers it isn’t. The truly amazing thing is that despite their best attempts to prove everyone just how bad they are at this job they still generate fanboys with frightening efficiency.

The moment Cryptic was bought out of City of Heroes by NCSoft that game started to improve by leaps and bounds and by now even has a major expansion. Yet despite that evidence the same players who already had to suffer through the things Jack Emmert considers fun (here’s a hint: Pulling out your own toenails is better) were eager to get into Champions. Warning were met with anything from distain to aggresiveness. I guess this could be excused once. Well actually no, you were twats but nevermind… . But then it happened again with Star Trek. Exactly the same pattern. By now Champions is down to 10k subscirbers and 500 active players. This is even less than the “dead” server in COH have on a weekday. Star Trek is still living on it’s much bigger name but already bleeding players like a menstruating pig. Problems are of course either ignored or fixed with duct tape. But Neverwinter Nights is a popular name and it seems these people don’t get that a setting you love will not make a good game.

Here is how this will go down:

  1. Cryptic will slap Neverwinter Nights on its engine.
  2. Fanboys will go nuts and start a giant forum community. They will tell everyone and their dog how awesome this game will be. If asked why it will be awesome the answer will be: “Because it is Neverwinter Nights!”.
  3. Anyone telling them that Cryptic is really bad at making games, that their development cycle is too short and that they should at least be carefull will be shouted down. Those buying lifetime accounts will of course be the loudest fanboys.
  4. They will all buy the game despite the beta showing that the game is at best half-finished. After all it is “just beta”. It is really amazing what people think can be done in the two weeks till launch.
  5. The game will suck and the people will come back to their old games. Many of them will be the same ones who fell for Champions and Star Trek. They will be incredibly angry at anyone pointing out that they warned them. The most adamant of them will still claim that it is a good game despite the fact they no longer play it. They will, without irony, say that the ame would only need better gameplay, stories, balance and missions to be good.

I am the time prophet. I have been gifted to see into the cycles of time. I know that this is the future past. As it has been before so it shall be again.




4 responses

25 08 2010
A sincere apology « This would be more awesome with lasers

[…] great panda should be able to admit his mistakes and apologise. Yesterday I not only insulted the developer Cryptic for making husks of baked shit filled empty promises but […]

22 09 2010
Parker Lewis « This would be more awesome with lasers

[…] with clothes in shows is so over the top I think my dad would seriously worry if he knew about it. I made a Lexx comparison before. And I might write about it in the future now that I think about it. Plus I guess the series is so […]

23 11 2010
The Escapist « This would be more awesome with lasers

[…] someone got at least bribed in some way for those interviews that tried ti make Jack Emmert and Cryptic look like a valid game company but all in all it is pretty ok. Oh yeah they also feature Movie-Bob […]

3 02 2011
Once more with Cryptic « This would be more awesome with lasers

[…] agree with me on that one. Anyway, my hatred towards Cryptic is as strong as ever. There have bee one or two entries about that before then they announced they’d release Neverwinter Nights. By […]

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