Nerdworld – Camouflage

7 09 2010

by NiceDino

There are many different kinds of Nerds. The smelly one with long hair, is usually referred to as typical example but he is no more than one of the subcategory of the entire group. I won´t go into any more detail right now since it doesn’t matter for the purpose of this post. Maybe at a later time. For now I will throw anything together and won´t mind the differences, even though there are some. Different types of Nerds act and dress differently, but are still hard to separate by the inexperienced observer.

Among these sub-groups exist some which are smart enough to camouflage themselves to mask their nerdness completely, or at least partially. But how do they do this? How can they mask their otherness, which is written all over their face? This is exactly the kind of issue I intend to address here. I do this for the sake of those who would like to expose Nerds, or would like to camouflage themselves.

One thing you must get straight: It is not difficult to deceive a Normal (short for: normal person with no special features and a great fear of anything that requires them to understand and think), because they have the debth of a spoon and do want to be deceived really bad. Otherness scares them and like all people they tend to believe what appears obvious/logical/natural to them.

As such the problem is not that it is difficult to deceive the Normal, but rather that this deception has to be maintained for a virtual indefinite period of time. Even slight mistakes can ruin years of deception. When that happens all efforts are ruined and all lies were in vain.

But now let us talk about how to generate the deception

Let´s start with the clothes:

The following guidelines apply to Normal-men and Normal-women. However, while these guidelines apply almost without any restrictions as far as Normal-men are concerned, this is not necessarily so in case of Normal-women, for their style of clothing is strongly influenced by current fashion-trends. This means that Normal-women are alternating their wardrobe very frequently. Otherwise however they tend to behave just like the men do, which means that they avoid any consistency. But contrary to the men, there are exceptions. More exceptions at least, which are even tolerated in most cases. Trendiness among women is to be expected – and unlike trendiness among men – to be forgiven. Even one-colored outfits, or uniform like looking two-color-combinations, among women and be considered stylish.

Basic clothing rules:

Avoid intense colors and strong contrasts at all costs. Normals are afraid of that. One single bright red shirt can be too much. Blue-jeans however are never wrong. Those aren´t blue anyway. At least not really. For Normsls it is very important that nothing is really explicit. This is why they prefer anthracite instead to black and brown to almost everything. Of course uniform-like clothes have to be avoided at all costs. Further it doesn´t matter which color you choose, you just can´t wear it all over your body. This much consistency is far too much for the brain of a Normal. Someone wearing all black is just as repulsive to them as someone who is wearing all blue/green/orange or even brown. Pants and shirt/sweater have to be of a different color under all circumstances. This is very important.

Brown is the ultimate choice as far as shoes are concerned. Normals love brown. It is one of their favorite colors. One of two. Shit-brown and dust-grey. Those two are never absent in the wardrobe of a normal person. You should always be wearing at least one of these two colors. Shit-brown shoes and a washed-out dust-grey blue jeans are a perfect combination. But be careful. Always remember: If you want to be sure, every color has to be used only once. Trendy black shoes are also possible, although already a little bit risky. If they have to be black you at least can’t wear anything else that is black too. This is mandatory.

This is also important – don´t wear a band-shirt. Except of course the one of this one famous band everybody is wearing at the time. There is always something like that. But remember to make sure that shirt and pants are not of the same color out of coincidence. It´s always a good idea if something is printed on your T-shirt/shirt/sweater. Anything. But nothing that has any meaning. Normals dislike one-colored shirts without any motive, because if they see that their imagination is starting to wake up and that scares them. But don´t even think about wearing a T-shirt, which is imprinted with a statement or some slogan that makes even in slightest sense. You can´t do that. Even worse would be any text that requires the reader to think. However motives consisting out of numbers/terms/letters which are conglomerated without any reason are acceptable.

If you wanted to create a pattern, which a Normal likes, yourself, this would be very easy. All you had to do is to take a white shirt, eat enough stew you have to throw up and then vomit on this shirt until it is covert from top to bottom in your puke. If you could manage it that this puke would be spread equally and stop smelling, you would have created a perfect Normal qualified shirt.

The best choice however are check shirts. Those have the advantage of not being empty but still contain nothing that you could possibly think about. Furthermore such shirts contain very much straight lines and right angles. Normals, absolutely love them. Striped shirts are okay too, but avoid the dotted ones. Those are to anarchistic by far. Even constantly spread dots are a hard to cope with phenomenon for a Normal. This to incoherent, too wild, to vague for him and thus alienates him.

Let´s sum this up.

The perfect Normi-outfit consists of:

Brown leathery loafers, a washed-out blue jeans and a pastel-colored check shirt. Add a brown or a grey jacket and you are ready to go.

About haircuts

Normal-haircuts are very easy. I asume everybody knows that comeplete shaves and punk haircuts are of course offensive to Normals and thus to be avoided. So, everything which is worth mentioning can be summarized in the following few points:

1. If you are a man wear them short.

2. If you are a woman wear them long.

3. If you are a man don´t dye them.

4. If you are a woman dye them blond. Under no circumstances red and under absolutely no circumstances black.

One thing still has to be said about haircuts of Normal-men. It is usual among them, even in the case of advanced baldness and greyness, neither to dye the hair nor to adjust the haircut to the new situation. Instead of shortening the remaining hair Normal-men wear their turned-grey chaplet with the same kind of pride as if it were a laurel wreath.

Now you know everything you have to know to look normal. You won´t win a fashion prize this way but this is what it is all about in the first place. You see if you know the tricks it is very easy to look normal.

Disclaimer: This list is not complete if you live in a highly religious or patriotic environment. In such caes religious symbols, flags and even appropraite slogans on shirts can be fine. Otherwise you won’t do wrong by following the above rules either though.

How to talk to a Normal

But it is not enough to look normal, you have to be able to talk to them too. For most Nerds this is a big problem. For some even impossible. The problem is, that no Nerd is capable of talking to a Normalabout any kind of subject matter that he cares about. The hobbies and affections of a Nerd on the other hand are at best irrelevant for a Normal, at worst awkward or frightening.

In order to conduct a successful conversation with a Normal, the Nerd has to address their favorite topics and to avoid his own interests, maybe even deny them. The good thing about this is that it is not necessary to have any special knowledge to do so. Thanks to the distinctive superficiality, which is part of the nature of most Normals, this would be in vain anyway. The point is not to lie brazenly. Every card house you will construct will collapse sooner or later. This is why you have to be subtle. If you look like a Normal (and I just told you how to do that) every Normal will think you are one. Thus he will assume that you have absolutely the same interests as he has. Sothe whole trick is not to undermine what the Normal thinks anyway. Just let him believe he was right in the first place. Most people will embrace this. If the person in question isn´t very distrustful they will accept the illusion. Just as much as any human being prefers his version of reality to the actual reality.

Here are some examples:

Normal: What did you think of the game yesterday?

Wrong answer: What game?

Correct answer: I couldn´t watch it because I had to work.

Even without asking you should know that the term „game“ can only refer to a game of football, soccer or baseball. The correct answer suggests that you of course know that an „important“ game of whatever took place and you would have liked nothing more than to watch it. But sadly this was prevented by adverse conditions.

The excuse of not being able to do something because you had to work, is still accepted and respected by anyone. If the Normal is going to ask you what you do for a living you should answer him using sentences which are short and easy to understand.

You should avoid any nerdy comparison. Even if you are working as a photographer for a newspaper you should not say that you have the same profession as Spiderman or rather Peter Parker. Just like you should not state that you do exactly the same thing as Uhura if you are a translator/interpreter. But you can get technical anytime. This bores the one who is asking, but it doesn´t scare him. This way his interest will extinguish quickly. Like a cigarette stub you push into asphalt.

Normal: What is your favorite color?

Wrong answer: Black!

Correct answer: I´m not so sure about that. Blue, I think. But I like green also.

Black is a color you should avoid  at any case. Only Nerds  and Creeps (for normals one and the same) like black.  Everything else is acceptable, if you don´t use eccentric named colors, like Bordeaux-red or something similar. You should stay away from white too, since it is an achromatic color and thus still way too suspicious. To name a second, alternative color on the other hand, is very good. This damps the statement down or rather makes it more vague, which is more natural for the mind of a Normal. But you should not nominate more than two different colors. This is far to indecisive. Even for a Normal. To list more than one color with an exotic name is something you should avoid at all costs. Always remember: There is no such thing as ultramarine. It is called blue.

Normal: What kind of music do you listen to?

Wrong answer: Soundtracks for the most part.

Correct answer: Oh, nothing special. Whatever is playing on the radio. I do like Queen and Aerosmith.

Of course it is much to nerdy to admit that you like to listen to soundtracks of movies or TV-shows. With J-Pop or J-Rock it is just the same. Instead you should name bands which are very well-known and very famous. Thus you won´t have to answer any more questions, since the kind of music produced by this bands is familiar to everyone. This may even be older bands like the Rolling Stones. Other good candidates are: Guns´n Roses, Beastie Boys, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Queen, Nirvana, Metallica and Nightwish.

Even though the two last-named originated from the Nerd-milieu, they have become Mainstream-acceptable by now. This is no insulting comment. These two bands got simply that good that they attracted additional audiences, which were spread far wider than their original  fans. Metallica and Nightwish did not betray their original fans, but were abandoned by them. Just in that moment, when these bands became Mainstream-bands, many Nerds could not accept to listen to them any more.

The reason for this is that their original audience consisted, for the most part, of that kind of Nerds, that want to be different from the Normals at any costs. This kind you can find first and foremost in the Gothic-scene. Their members think of themselves as superior to all others – without any real reason of course. This kind of attitude provokes them to do anything to maintain their otherness. Even if this means they have to abandon things they love. Ironically it is this forced ambition which makes them more similar to the Normals than any other Nerd-fraction. It is like they were a bunch of marionettes, a reflection of the society they belong to. They waste their entire life dancing to a melody they actually despise.

Normal: What do you think about what our politicians are doing right now?

Wrong answer: I don´t think about such nonsense.

Correct answer: It is alarming at least. I´m not sure what to vote anymore. I hope they will pull themselves together and get it right.

This is very easy. Easier than fashion. Easier than sports. Easier than anything else. Politics don´t change. They stay the same all the time. There are no significant changes ever. But back to the topic at hand. If you want to make a statement concerning politics without giving away your Nerdiness, there are only two things you have to consider:

1. Although it is primarily useless you have to take it seriously and

2. voice your concerns and that you hope for improvement

Normals honestly believe that politicians are of some use. Besides wasting space and money of course. I´m afraid this believe, like so many of their believes, is founded solely in their sheepishness. The very concept of the fact that none of our politicians knows what he is doing can be pretty scary indeed. Naturally it is far more pleasant to make yourself believe our leaders are competent, qualified and intelligent individuals. Unfortunately this isn´t the case. Quite the contrary.

You could replace the entire Senate by a bunch of monkeys. This wouldn´t cause any problems but improve the situation slightly. At least the monkeys wouldn´t do anything wrong and since this is everything politicians ever do, this would undeniable be an improvement. And they would be much more likeable and look cute. And it would be far easier to start an interesting debate, by throwing some bananas into their ranks. I can think of no reason why the monkey-plan should not be put into action.

Normi: What kind of hobbies do you have?

Wrong answer: I like RPG´s (pen & paper, LARPs), Anime, Video games, Magic the Gathering, Star Trek, Star Wars, Stargate and Comics.

Correct answer: Oh, nothing special, really. Sometimes I like to read (thriller/horror), going to the movies (action/thriller/horror), work out and go swimming.

Needless to say you should avoid to name a single nerd-hobby. If you can´t pull yourself together at all it is possible to name things like Star Trek, Star Wars and Stargate. Nonetheless you should not reveal any „real“ in-depth knowledge about the mentioned movies and shows. Accordingly you have to answer all questions, concerning this subject matter, short and superficial.

Here are some examples:

Normal: What do you like about Star Wars?

Nerd: The Jedi.

Normal: What do you like about Star Trek?

Nerd: The colorful aliens.

Like I said, the existence of in-depth knowledge about the listed movies or series has to be hidden under all circumstances. Furthermore your answers should suggest that you naturally think of this subjects as not to be taken seriously, but amusing nonsense at best. Accordingly you should not be insulted, if a Normal makes fun about this series/movies, since this would show him your appreciation for them. The best solution possible is to join the „philistine“ immediately and without any resistance. This way you disrupt any doubt about your own normality.

Naturaly you have to avoid to correct Normals if  they make wrong statements concerning this kind of stuff. For a Normal it makes no difference if a particular person is playing a Klingon, Vulcan or a Borg. It´s all the same to him. To be fair you have to admit that it is: They are all people with some stuff glued on to them. With spaceships it is quite the same. To a Normal it doesn´t matter if a Star Destroyer is a ship of the Victory-, Imperial-, or Super-Class. There just giant spaceships with big guns.

The significant difference between the mindset of Normal and Nerd can be summarized pretty easy in this case. The Normal considers a setting from the outside. He never looses sight of the fact, that what he watches is a pure work of fiction. Because of that these things are not that interesting to him as long as there isn´t something exploding all the time. The Nerd on the other hand considers a setting from the inside. This means it is much more real and thus much more important to him. He is directly involved in what is going on and sometimes knows a series better than their own producers.

It is the tendency of the Normal, to consider things only in a very superficial way, that makes him so easy to deceive. You don´t really have to watch a movie in order to convince a Normal that you did just that. It is absolutely sufficient if you read the description of the content and be familiar with the trailer. As far as books are concerned it is exactly the same. And this is a damn good thing since you don´t have to try so hard to disguise yourself in a believable way.

About computer games I can tell you this:

Despite the fact of being a nerd-hobby in the past, this isn´t the case any more. The increasing spread of the Personal Computer on the one hand and the Playstation 2 on the other, have ended the reign of nerd hood in this domain. The Playstation 2 was the first console to access an audience which didn´t just consist of the „usual suspects“ any more. Thus you can name computer games as your hobby these days. It´s okay now.

However there are still some subtleties to consider. For one, Normals don´t differentiate between PC and Console Games, but use the term „Video Games“ in all cases. Of course you should do the same. If you have to tell anyone that you own a console it should be an Xbox or an pold PS2. The PS 3 is still to new/nerdy to be unsuspicious. Despite the fact that the Nintendo Wii has an audience which is even wider spread, Nintendo still is associated with Nerds more than Sony. I guess this will change within the next years, but we´ll see about that. You should avoid portable systems altogether. Except you are still in school or at college. In this case it is acceptable for you to be a little bit weird. They expect it.

About the games you should list as your favorites I can give the following advice:

RPG´s and action-adventures are to avoid and beat´em up´s and first person shooters are to be preferred. However racing games are the perfect choice. Of course I´m talking about the “normal” kind of racing game. The realistic ones with real cars, you know. No antigravitational gliders or something like that. Sports titles are the real deal too. A normi-insider´s tip you could say. I´m talking about football of course. Yes – sometimes they are all too easy.

Normal: What did you do last weekend?

Wrong answer: I was visiting a convention (doesn´t matter what kind,). Watched an animated-series with XY (doesn´t matter which it was, they are very nerdy ). Stayed at home alone and build a sword from foam (attention nerd-overkill).

Correct answer: Not much. I was visiting XY and we watched a couple of movies together (normal movies, meaning life action movies, namely life action movies produced in the western hemisphere → action/horror/thriller). We were out for dinner and hit the movies (of course the usual genres are to be listed) later that evening. Besides that I was just lazy.

This is a typical example of „less is more“. The less you tell anyone the better it is for yourself. Even if you just state that you spend the entire weekend watching TV, this is still better than to list any nerd activities. At least if you say you only skipped the channels without any purpose. Always remember: Do not display too much interest in anything.

A fluffily, incoherent list of movies and series, which where on at the weekend in question, should be sufficient to persuade everyone that you are wasting your spare time in an acceptable manner. It is absolutely alright to be a television-zombie. Those are much more appreciated than Nerds anyway.

Of course you can claim you have been engaged in some outdoor-activities. This however, can be a little bit of a problem. If you use this excuse all to often the question will arise why the color of your skin still looks that unhealthy or rather why you are in such a bad shape. Furthermore the non-existence of any witnesses can be somewhat suspicious too. With a TV-weekend this isn´t the case, since no one would expect any eye-witnesses anyway.

Another thing, you should be aware of, is that you are judged not only by how you spend your spare time, rather than who you spend it with. This is a serious problem far any Nerd. Should he abandon his friends? Be ashamed of them? Is it morally acceptable to do so and even if it is, is it really worth it? It is very important to have friends, after all. Friends add much to the quality of life of a person. Thus you should not offend them.

But no matter how nice you are, no matter how much effort you put into being friendly, those Nerds who can not refrain from jumping any Normal in the face with their otherness should be avoided. This, and nothing less, is what they deserve anyway.

Of course anyone has to decide for himself if he would like to camouflage himself and how far he is willing to go with it. Far be it from me to order anybody how to live their life. I would like nothing more than if we all could just live like we want to, without anyone having to hide or disguise himself.

But unfortunately this is not possible. People hate freaks. This is the truth. Our society only pretends to cherish individuality, in fact it condemns it. One million years of human evolution did not create a tolerant human being and there will not be none, even in another million years.

In the past people who dared to be different were burnt alive and they would like nothing more than to do that to us today too. Solely the fact, that nowadays this is somehow forbidden, keeps them from doing it all over again but they will still do anything in their power to shun you and cause you problems.

Thanks for reading

NiceDino


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4 responses

7 09 2010
AngryPanda

Wall of text *dies*

8 09 2010
NiceDino

Sorry, the next text will be much shorter, I promise ^^

8 09 2010
RustyAngel

it’s hilarious!!

24 09 2010
Art « This would be more awesome with lasers

[…] saying games are not art this should soothe your pain. Interestingly you can never show it to a “normal” person as proof since they would not even begin to understand how well thought out and […]

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