Superman Returns Again… or something

5 10 2010

by AngryPanda

If you are addicted to boredom on a level that causes actual physical pain and don’t have school anymore I recommend watching Superman Returns to get your fix. The sheer amount of nothing that happens in this (extra-long…) movie should create a singularity. In fact I’m not sure it didn’t because I think it ate part of my soul before I left the theatre on that dreadful day I was forced to see it. And by forced I mean I was so stupid as to want it but refuse to admit that now because I’d have to eat my toes in revenge against me. For a time I tried to understand how this movie ever got made. Did no one read the script? Didn’t they have test viewings? I mean SOMEONE had to notice that NOTHING happens in the whole damn thing. Maybe the guy who made the final cuts or just someone bringing in the samiches. I don’t know who, just someone. In the end I gave up since I felt the sad remains of my brain started to liquefy. So far so good. And now this:

Superman “It’s his time” the sequel to Superman Returns

This just proves the saying I heard years ago: In Hollywood you kinda fail upwards. The last Superman Movie was complete shit. I don’t mean shit like a Cryptic game, that would be a fraud. There was an actual movie there, not just 2 hours of showing you a dog licking its own butt or something. But still it was amazingly bad. Especially considering how much money they blew on the thing. I honestly think I could not blow so much money on special effects without having spectacular things happen. People complain about Micheal Bay but at least you can be sure you see where the money went in his movies (even if it is in a blur…). One of my favorite paradoxes in this world is that fans still cry that the guy didnt ‘t direct X-Men 3 instead. It wasn’t the best X-Men movie but I can safely say stuff happened so it is infinitely superior to Superman Returns. There’s a fun line in the linked article:

“Part of the problem stems from Superman’s classic comic book characteristics: The character for decades was a beacon for positive characteristics and his stories usually painted in black and white, so from a point of view of a certain segment, he was not hip enough for a time that prefers its heroes more morally ambiguous and drawn with tones of gray.”

No, Superman’s characteristics are not a problem. The problem is that your movie was bloody awful! If you want to see how it is done watch some of the DCUA. As usual the producers of Kid’s Shows know better. Also the “wisdom” above sounds like you pulled an Image-writer right out of the 90s.

This whole thing does have one major upside though. There was no established storyline in Superman Returns (would have been hard to do because it would have required stuff to go on…), so basically the new movie only has the premise: Superman is there and does stuff. This is awesome because for once we can be spared the origin-story. Everyone knows who Superman is, probably even my mom. I’m not gonna ask since she’s the scariest person I know… . Anyway this mean while we will have to put up with the established and extremely annoying version of Lois Lane and the brat they put in we at least …

..

you know, scratch that. Even while writing this I realize how shitty those two elements are. I guess there is no upside. I just hope they move as far from the previous film as possible.

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20 05 2011
Terminator: Salvation again? The panda holds a grudge « This would be more awesome with lasers

[…] for the Superman part alone. Which for some reason would still have been a better movie than Superman: Returns was. It would have sucked but at least it wouldn’t have been boring. But anyway the part that […]

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