Hawkeye the Movie

18 05 2011

by AngryPanda

I had a few more things I wanted to say about Thor (review here) that really only make sense after you saw the movie and since I assume most people have by now it is time to get to the first point. Fans all over the world are going nuts over the bits and pieces of Avengers continuity that show up in the recent Marvel movies. I understood the excitement over the Black Widow in Iron Man 2, I mean just look at her.

I'm amazed they managed to do this pose without overdoing the cleavage in their usual juvenile style of crap. Also this is the largest picture in this entry despite it clearly not being about Hawkeye. You are welcome!

She even did play somewhat of a role in the movie. Now in Thor they have this nifty little scene in which a sniper picks his weapon and suddenly goes for a really modern composite bow instead of a rifle. Half the audience made icky nerdish sounds at that moment while the other half was either busy fondling their girlfriends or not giving a shit. Now don’t get me wrong, it was a good scene.

This is the best picture I could find? You have failed me for the last time internet!

But is this all Hawkeye gets as his introduction before the Avengers movie? Natasha Romanov played a much bigger part, and she had to because she is not getting her own movie. First of all they have no idea how to do action girls in Hollywood. Be glad they if they don’t try because it would suck harder than a Roomba on crack. Second the Widow is genuinely complicated and deep character (one of the reasons Marvel never knows what to do with her). You know how Hollywood handles women like that? I doesn’t. I shudder at the thought of them trying to portray a Russian superspy and coming up with a reason for her to change sides that won’t cause your toenails to curl up and dig into your flesh to hide.

And this was before he went completly over the top...

But Hawkeye? Now there is movie material! This guy is pure action hero gold. He’s a straight white guy with blond hair who’s overconfident and obnoxious. They have a whole genre for guys like this. They call it “Action Movies”. In the dark days of the 90s before the rise of the fantastic this was basically what every summer blockbuster was about.

How can they not make a Hawkeye movie if they want tie-ins anyway? I bet if you put about three billion rabbits into an interdimensonal cube and let them fuck for let’s say a gajillion billion years you will have roughly one super advanced telepathic rabbit super abomination* for every generic action hero script they got in reserve in Hollywood. They are still spitting out some 90s rejects like that the very second you turn your eyes away. I swear they are worse than Weeping Angels that way.  Seriously guys, there used to be a time you only made movies like that! Sure they were boring and bland but so so is the Fat and Furious and you’re still cashing in on that! Take generic script, add the bow and you’re done. This recipe ain’t so hard.

Someone already made a pic just for my lame joke? Well played internet, you shall have another chance to prove yourself to me!

Not that I think that Hawkeye has any business of being in the Avengers at all even if they clearly went with is ultimate version which is at least much better than the orignal (before he went emo). They already take the idiot with the shield to lose their international audience so why not some twat with a bow too. On the other hand it seems they forget how to do even their generic action-stew if it comes to comic book titles just look at the mess that was The Punisher. Or the worse mess that was Punisher: Warzone which thankfully no one even saw.

*You don’t even have to count them. They will have developed a hive mind and will be able to tell you their exact number at all times while conquering this galaxy with their invincible fleet of biomorphic-phaseshielded-planetdestroying-sundevouring fleet of carrot-class destroyers. The flagship will be called the “O’Hare” in some obscure reference to their mystical home planet which was called “Dirt” or something silly like that.

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