Smurfs? Yogi Bear? Candy Land? No more!

27 05 2011

by AngryPanda

That does it. I took Yogi Bear in stunned disbelief because my brain starts to scream in pain every time I think about it. I somehow ignored Candy Land even though they burned themselves into their memory for all eternity with their statement:

“We imagine it as an epic like the Lord of the Rings but made of candy.”

This might be the most stupid thing ever uttered by a human being (not counting internet trolls). In fact I could spend all day ranting on the sheer mind numbing madness and inability to comprehend that this shows. Now that’s a tempting idea. Still, I buried that too. But they are like some drunken asshole, the more you ignore him the more obnoxious they get. So here we go. The goddamned Smurf’s movie. Hallelujah!

Can the studios seriously that pathetic? I know that their managers have black shriveled husks of souls that would burn if they were ever touched by a single ray of creativity but I can’t believe that they are also that blind and plain stupid. If they absolutely have to dig up franchises there’s a ton of old cartoons they could rape. The 80s basically existed of 20 minute adds. And I know of one of these that’s doing fantastic at the box office. Ok that might be the coolest one but seriously there’s a shitload more our there. They had a little more than just Transformers the Ninja Turtles. You want ideas? How about:

An invincible Conan style warrior but with lasers (instant more awesome), floating islands, magic castles and a goth witch that will sell a bazillion posters all on her own?

The US Navi fighting terrorists. In Space! I’ll even point out the possible Seal Team 6 hook you could use to market this somehow.

A lone ranger fighting outlaws on speeder bikes on an old west style planet. He even has superpowers. Just copy Wild Wild West, that can’t be so hard to pull off.

It took me less than five seconds to come up with these three and they are probably not even the best. If they desperate enough to put your money on Yogi Bear or the Smurfs they must be willing to do anything. So how about something awesome? I mean really awesome.  No, even more awesome. Yes. THAT!

Not that they would know how to write a story for that. But you know what, fuck it. I already made up a game out of nothing. I’m going to write a script for this thing. Right on this site. Not that I have any idea how to do that. But others don’t know either and they make shitloads of money.

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