Mad Mike’s America

15 02 2012

by AngryPanda

This world is populated by completely insane people. And no I don’t mean the dipshits who handed the rule over Europe to Goldman&Sachs. Okay maybe I do. No in this case web magazine called Mad Mikes America has stumbled over this blog. Seeing my usual mix of uninformed insulting gibberish these people didn’t do the sane thing and run away but instead asked me to write for them. I was tempted to ignore the mail as some sort of spam or nonsense but for once decided to leave the panda cave and see what this is about. From my first impression Madmike’s is an extremely leftwing (for US standards anyway) magazine that has no qualms about insulting and ridiculing conservatives. Sign me up!

And behold as of now you can read my first article on their site. 

Since the site is not exactly aimed at geeks I had to find something I could write about that their readers might get. So basicaly I picked something all geeks already know and no normal person gives a shit about. Recipe for success!

Unlike my own site these people give a shit about reader numbes, seach engine optimization and all that jazz. Among other things that meant I had to watch my wordcount and make some sense. I ended up having to delete a whole paragraph of my introduction so it wouldn’t make up half of my article. To be fair it was just a rant anyway but I like to rant. But since I don’t watch any of these things here this is the complete unedited introduction

Superbowl ads are the only time of the year anyone actually care or even be disappointed about them. As folks apparently were this year. Can you imagine discussing about ads “playing it save” during an episode of NCIS? Of course not, you’re too busy using the break to run and throw up after their latest close-up-shot of a coroner cutting a sharpened dildo out of someone’s stomach or something. Also if you’d actually watch the ads your brain would immediately start melting, causing a few seconds of agonizing pain before flooding out and leaving you with the sudden idea that “Intelligent Design” might be a valid scientific term. But not so during the Superbowl half-time. These ads here are almost events by themselves.

The reason for this is simple. The damn things are so incredibly expensive that they actually have to put some effort into them. I imagine each year these marketing consultants open a secret box in which they keep the shriveled husk of the only creative employee that ever managed to get through their screening process. They then carry the poor babbling wreck, ignoring her pathetic pleas to ever see daylight or her family again. A terrifying machine-made of a ridiculous numbers of tubes is used to distill the last drop of creativity from this body. As the former intern finally gets the sweet release of death the sparkling bit of possibility of chaos is used on a newly created TV spot. It socks through the filmroll of this soulless and generic creation, filling it with life and joy, turning what was previously the product of dead souls and the result of tables full of consumer demographics into witty, loveable Superbowl ad. At least sometimes. Sadly these corpse-mannequins only exist to prop up suits and use buzzwords so they don’t actually know if their product is any good. All that’s left to them is throw it into the ring and then act like they knew what they were doing after it succeeded or sacrifice the weakest of their pack if it doesn’t (I’d say them eat them but I think their flesh turns to dust if you touch it). They go to all this effort and even compromise their mission of taking all fun and joy out of this world because add time during the Superbowl costs around 3 million dollars for about 30 seconds. Apparently this year they might have even gone up to 3.5 million.

And that finally brings us to the point. Marvel Studios has invested up to 7 million bucks to show you this…

If you want to read more you will have to go over there. And if you never left a comment before (and I know you didn’t!..) it would be nice if you do so now. Maybe we can just trick them into letting me do this again. This may not seem like much but for someone who earns his living with writing it is pretty big that any of my ramblings would be published even by someone their size in my second language. A long way to go but if I can reach a point at which my English gets good enough to do my job in it I just might not have to die here after all.

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