Star Trek: Beyond the curse of Abrams

15 12 2015

I’m pretty sure that was the original title of this before some dipshit in marketing shortened it until it was too generic to actualy include the message.

Already seeing the complaints about this trailer and it seems to be the usual “oh no its an action movie now” noise it was the last few times. Which always seems to forget that Star Trek movies have been action movies since the 90s now. With the last two being less movies than random collecitons of explosions and people jumping arround for no good reason. Which is fine but don’t bloody blame it on “that guy who made Fast and the Furious”, just look back at the last two. Or rather just think back. Don’t look at them again, they were shit.

Now sit back children and relax and let me tell you a few things about Fast and the Furious and thus Justin Lin you might not know from your judgemental looks at the trailers. Yes that franchise is all the nonsense you’d expect. But its also a franchise somehow build on the most unlikely original trio of garbage car chase movies imaginable and it does this by being utterly sincere about its message of a “family” of people from all over the world being unbeatable because they’re the best buddies (also being able to drive cars realy well appearantly gives you superpowers in that universe but that’s just what it is) and stick together through any shit the world throws at them. The F&F team is made of all genders, is at best 25% white and EVERYONE kicks ass. Yes the focus is two guys being bffs but everyone else gets their spotlight, everyone matters. Most scenes actualy manage to incoperate the whole team and in an age there the Avengers still get to be a white boy’s club this is sadly still a major exception.


It also doesn’t hurt that they actualy have more coherency with their past events than most other franchises. Now in part that is because their story is so thin its hard to fuck it up but there is something to be said about knowing what you do and being good at it.

Anyway, can we think of another franchise that lives of two bros in the spotlight and a crew of supremely skilled experts of all races and genders who have become not just friends but a family? Perhaps with the whacky premise of all of them trekking across the stars?

Well no not realy, because the last two Star Trek movies were Kirk and Spock movies with a background cast that didn’t matter shit. But you people have no idea how bloody lucky you are. No, this new movie will not save you from the new Star Trek action movies. That’s what big blockbusters are. Deal with it, or leave it be, but don’t blame it on this new one. What you might actualy get however is a movie about the (named) crew of the Enterprise. About a iconic characters being badass, working as a team and as friends and winning the day by being fucking awesome and working together. With everyone doing their part, and their expertise actualy being important.

Take another look at the trailer. The first thing it does is get rid of the chaf (read: unnamed crew). I’m not seeing a good end for all those namles shirts of all colors to be honest.. . So that leaves us with the original old crew so get it done. If anything I wish this trailer would look more like Fast and the Furious because then it wouldn’t be all bloody teal and cyan and maybe the actors woud look like actual people but I guess we aren’t gonna get rid of the visual style of this reboot.

So take it easy, stop screaming “stupid car movie” every time you see something with wheels in a new trailer (its not like the first reboot didn’t start with a car scene..) and enjoy the fact you finaly get a movie that is not just made of lense flares and a shacky cam. Seriously, look at this thing. Shot crip and clear, you’d almost think it was made by someone who knows how to shoot an action scene. Good cinematography makes the panda happy.

Fuck that soundtrack though, we realy did not need a callback to first of those movies just yet and its just too bloody generic. And fuck teal and orange while we’re at it. The second needs to be a chant at opening nights for every movie from now on.




One response

22 07 2016
I bloody told you Star Trek Beyond would be good | This would be more awesome with lasers

[…] Dear Trekkies. I fucking told you you so! […]

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