Who should Namor want to fuck?

3 06 2016

I stumbled about this very important question today.

“But if Marvel does a NAMOR movie before they have FANTASTIC FOUR back, whose wife does he try to fuck? That’s like 75% of his schtick.”

How is this even a question? Since the Marvel MCU basicaly doesn’t do women there is only one couple that matters and that any fans are passionate about. And I mean they are realy passionate about them. The wife of course is Captain America’s and the black haired beauty’s name is Bucky Barnes. You would be able to feel the millions of fans screaming out at once and then orgasm the moment this would be revealed.




Gotham, Arrow and the case of the evil lesbian ex-girlfriends

17 10 2014

Bashing on DC does sort of feel like stealing candy from a child. It is just too easy. On the other hand the child is a world-class asshole so it’s not like I have to feel bad about it. The screwed up relationship between DC and homosexuality is nothing new. I’ve even talked about it on this blog HERE, which is amazing considering I miss every other relevant topic ever. Then of course there was that whole Batwoman who can’t get married business. The only truly noteworthy thing about the whole “Training to be Batman’s wife” shirt issue recently was that it was just misogynist not homophobic. Well except if you put it into context with the Batwoman issue from before then it suddenly looks even more shitty because it could mean the actual Batwoman who’s not allowed to have a woman for a wife. If these people would do this on purpose I would be awed at just how well all their shittyness connects. Maybe they want to combine it all to form Shitron the giant robot and attack Marvel Headquarters with it?

I don’t want to talk about the comics though, I’ve found those unreadable ever since DC has basically started hating and deconstructing their own product which started about then I was born I think. This is about their TV shows Arrow and Gotham, both of which are ashamed of what they are too, or they’d be called Green Arrow and ..Batbrat? I’m not sure about the second one but I’m reasonably certain they could have come up with something a little more “Batman-ish” than a cop show. Still, to be fair I enjoy both of those shows. Much more than Agents of Shield since unlike that show they avoid the main crime entertainment can commit. Being boring. Yet, I remember how some story rally grated on my nerves in Arrow and I could finally nail it down then the same thing happened in Gotham and it’s just so appallingly ugly and no one has mentioned it yet.

The story in Arrow was the relationship between Black Canary and Rhaz Al Gul’s daughter. Since I’m about as deep as a puddle the first thing that bothered me was that they somehow made an afraid between the Black Canary and her assassin lover be as sexy as a dead fish, mostly by starting with a terrible choice for Canary herself and going with no chemistry at all from there. And to be honest that still amazes me. Especially then people worry that the planned Supergirl series is all about fanservice. I’m not sure these people would even know how to deliver that (weirdly for such a sexist company they are amazing at delivering fanservice for women because they did apparently figure out how to do every scene possible with their main character shirtless).But while that’s waste for me personally it’s not the part worth talking about. No, that would be the weird way a love between two female characters is portrayed here. You see our Black Canary in this case just wants to be with Oliver Queen, in a nice little straight relationship. But her evil lesbian lover can’t let go and even goes so far as to threaten her mother’s life to force her to come back to her. Admittedly this ex lover is a criminal and a killer.. just like her boyfriend. Still, we can accept that the League of Assassins are bad customers so there’s something here. This would just be a completely weird mess that makes no sense if Canary did hook up with her again in the end oh screw you, I’m not even going to try to make sense of this.

Let’s move to Gotham. In which the lover of our main character also had a past relationship with a woman (something she is clearly ashamed of because you know that’s WRONG!) who can’t let go and while she doesn’t go as far as taking family member hostage Montaya does try to discredit Barabara’s boyfriend and get him into jail. See the pattern here? Clearly DC has figured out that most lesbians are realy just confused and just want to be with nice guys but the few who really are into women prey on them and they are some evil psycho bitches who just can’t let go and will go to any length to force these poor girls to come back to them. They probably demand they renounce their savior Jesus Christ too. And play video games. The monsters! So currently the two main love interests in the DC shows are both either “cured”lesbians or bisexuals who finally made the “right” choice but their former lovers try to force them (in one case literally) to stay with them instead of being happy natural straight girls.

I’m a terrible judge but considering just how generic and boring Gordon looks she just had to be the better company.

Like everything DC does I don’t believe there really is a system behind this shit but the fact they can be so amazingly offensive without even noticing it says a ton about the people behind these shows and whoever checks what they produce under the DC name.

Let’s see if the Flash will also have a girlfriend who’s stalked by her female ex-lover who just won’t accept her life choices. I’m almost rooting for it just so it becomes obvious enough to blow up in the producer’s bigoted faces.

Bullshit Comics #1

1 09 2014

A guest entry by Liz Currie/Rainbow Avenger

(Spoilers for old comics, and a new one.)

Recently, a friend told me he had “Good news!” Midnighter is back in the comics. In someone else’s title, and he lost a fight to Nightwing, and there’s no Authority, oh and no Apollo. At this point I was sitting aghast, staring with horror at my screen and thinking “Please get to the good news, because this is tragic!”

The good news is it isn’t as bad as it sounds. The title is “Grayson” nos 1 & 2. Nightwing doesn’t defeat Midnighter. He bats Dick Nightwing (the former would be a better story: ed.) around a bit asking questions and just as Mids decides to end the interrogation by caving in his skull, he is rudely propelled a mile out of panel by an explosion, whereupon Dick pulls a Sir Robin and bravely runs away, away.

This was a lucky break for Bird Boy, because in 2008’s Wildstorm/DCU crossover series DreamWar, Batman was supposed to have an epic fight with Midnighter; one that ended in an honourable draw that satisfied both sets of fans. According to the editors (via Newsarama) It never happened because a room full of writers spent hours plotting out that fight and couldn’t find a single plausible scenario where Midnighter didn’t beat the crap out of him. It just wasn’t an equal match-up. So Batman fought Zealot instead – and lost.


So no, Midnighter isn’t going to lose a fight to the sidekick. He could thrash Dick Grayson without stopping to let Apollo pull out. (That scene has been written because fangirls are perverts.)

The bad news is that DC Comics – the kings of chronic masturbatory world wankery – have done it again. Midnighter is alone. DC’s ever shrinking Authority roadshow has been shedding members with every reboot. The last one had already been reduced to “Midnighter and Friends” and I had a pretty good, cynical and it seems accurate feeling that the next iteration would be a solo act. This is bullshit.

Toward the end of the Authority’s Morrison run, Midnight left Apollo. He broke it off without saying goodbye because Reasons that involved time-travel, protecting the future for the sake of his friends and other motivations usually beyond the grasp of high-functioning psychopaths. He spent five years hiding in Russia, drinking too much and being utterly miserable.


All a trick of course. When Midnighter finally figured out that one bastard had stolen five years of his married life, he responded by performing a trick that Dick Grayson didn’t learn in the circus, and ripped the guy’s spine out in a panel so iconically 90’s in its’ glorification of gratuitous violence that Rob Liefield probably orgasmed at the thought of plagiarising it. And then he swore to never leave again.

So no, Midnighter doesn’t just walk away from his family anymore. Ignoring that vow is bad writing. It’s ignorant and disrespectful of internal consistency. Wiping his family from existence exhibits callous disregard for the characters and their world. This also breaks my flinty heart because Apollo and Midnighter aren’t just the nicest gay married couple in the DCU, they’re the nicest married couple, period. Ralph and Sue Dibny came close, and look what DC did to them. The only couple who could be cuter are Booster Gold and Blue Beetle, but that marriage only exists on LiveJournal.

Apollo is also the longest-suffering Man in a Refrigerator in comics, but that’s another rant.

Someone is going to point out that all of this continuity was a reboot or two ago and doesn’t count. Actually (depending on the definition of the term) it’s four, possibly five reboots ago, but it doesn’t matter because ignoring character meta-evolution is bullshit. Rewinding characters through the same crises over and over like the one good track on an 80s mixed tape is also bullshit. That’s not character development, it’s prostitution.

“But I buy it because he’s a gay character!”


The time has passed when you buy a comic just because it has fill-in-the-blank minority character. If the protagonist of “Cookie Grrls” is an empty-headed, giggling Stepford wife in an apron you don’t sigh and buy the book anyway because it features a woman. If the hero of “Captain Rastus” is a grotesque, frizzled-haired golliwog flinging magical watermelons you don’t roll your eyes and slap a tenner on the counter anyway because the star is African-American. You tell the publisher “This is bullshit.” We’ve moved past that. So let’s stop flinging good money after bad titles to reward exploitation. Don’t buy the comic because it has a gay/black/female character; buy it because it has a GOOD character.

This is DC. This is the imprint that made Batwoman a lesbian, then barred her from marrying her girlfriend. These are the people that announced a gay Green Lantern, then retconned a minor Earth-2 Lantern that no one gave a shit about and then killed his fiancé in issue one. They like to pantomime the appearance of inclusivity on social media, ensure that their G/L character’s sexual orientation is tragic or irrelevent by depicting them as sexless, celibate, emasculated and alone. They’re going to keep raping their own characters as long as people keep paying to read it.

So stop paying for it. Really, it’s bullshit.



Japanese 90s X-Men Opening

9 04 2014

Usually its the west screwing up anime openings but this really is terrible and misleading. The second one is a lot better already but the first almost hurts. Also I have no idea why they would cry to the moon.

Agends of Shield: First episode review

25 09 2013

Well this is going to be short. It was everything I expected after the first trailer and talked about HERE. It also neatly ties in with the Marvel movies, going so far as to have the first source of superpowers that shows up in the show be Extremis from Iron Man 3. You can read about that HERE. It’s a bit like Firefly in that it has a huge cast right from the start and gets to use them real quick. The dialogue is snappy, the characters are quirky and the only real question is if Coulson can stay being so sympathetic if he has to lead the team from episode to episode instead of just being background noise in one of the main hero movies. Oh and Mariah Hill shows up in the first episode which already made the whole thing better for me. More of that please.

The only downside: It looked a lot like a guest appearance. I don't epxect to see much else form her until we get more of SHIELD in the movies.

The only downside: It looked a lot like a guest appearance. I don’t expect to see much else from her until we get more of SHIELD in the movies.

“Thor The Dark World” Full trailer is looking good

7 08 2013

This is a rare beast indeed. I’m looking forward to this because of two reasons really. One is that I just loved the first Thor movie. The second though is that this is going to be immensely interesting. The first Thor was a pretty small fry compared to Iron Man or the Avengers. But with Loki now being as popular as he is this movie might turn out a lot bigger than anyone expects from the sequel of such a small name. The other real question is how it wil hold up to Man of Steel, the movie currently sitting on the throne of super strong dudes with red capes hitting things. Thor had all the heart and chemistry Man of Steel didn’t but still will it be able to match the sheer spectacle of the last Superman movie?

So far this looks like they could pull it off to me. Extra point for not screwing up the colors, knowing from which angel to hold the camera and not using lens flares. All things that are sadly not standard for triple A productions these days.



Looks like I do still give a shit about X-Men “Days of the future past”

31 07 2013

As if that were even a question but considering my view and the really crappy viewer numbers for The Wolverine it seems worth mentioning. Anyway they’re starting the hype for X-Men “Days of the future past” which is not only the one definite story that got me into X-Men back in the day but also the follow-up to the excellent X-Men “First Class”. This movie is about everything that makes X-Men interesting, which is especially noteworthy since First Class did without Wolverine and despite what every idiot seems to think he’s not what makes this series great.