Everyone told you they would not vote for Clinton

12 11 2016

Alright. Liz painted a huge target on herself and I am nothing if not a fellow lemming,

so I’m giving in to the temptation of saying “I told you so you fucking idiots what were you thinking?!”. Because I’m so angry this happened, that this freak show attraction will ruin so many lives, that a whole generation will pay for it in regressive court decisions that.. I could go on all night. But there is no point. The defensive machine is already in full spin. The people who said this is not going to work like this were wrong. Even though it didn’t work. They’re all naive idiots who think racist yokels can be swayed. As it wouldn’t have only taken a fraction of the people who just didn’t vote to swing this. You don’t even need the ones who did vote Trump, even if you could actually get a bunch of them.

Getting those people can be soul-crushing, especially if they’ve hurt you in the past. Its thankless because even if they believe you they will never truly appreciate your work. And you know if you get of your high horse for just a moment and actually try to live the “we go high” attitude then maybe it is not too much to admit that even if you (and me, I know I do) don’t care about these people, or even despise them that they too, that EVERYONE deserves some sort of perspective for the future. That even a modern, changed, progressive world needs to offer everyone some perspective. Isn’t that what we on the left claim to strife for? Or did they have their turn and can go rot now?

It took actual work to lose this. Real effort. And man was it ever put in. And even now there is no way to call it out.

And you know what? Fuck this. This is a catastrophe not just for everyone in the US but the whole world.

But I had a good year. I have a decent job for the first time. It is incredibly secure, more so than most Americans can imagine. And yes I am a straight white guy (which by the way doesn’t mean I am happy in my body or any of that shit but screw you).

I don’t live in a mould invested hole that kills me anymore. I got decent clothes to wear that make people treat me like an actual person. I can afford the meds I need and I can help out my dad now that he’s retired and short on funds.

So yeah I will not suffer too much from this garbage fire.

For the first time ever my life is actually kind of average.

I will help my few friends there I can (lucky me I have autism, I’m a pariah to society, people instantly hate me so few friends, but hey Life is a cakewalk for me right? So I don’t have a lot of them to worry about.). For them I’m worried sick. The rest of the world can go fuck off and deal with this fucking mess alone until you learn to play to win in a cultural war instead of acting like spoiled brats who really think its their turn to have the cake now.

Feel free to unfriend me if that rant is too much. First of all I’m used to it and second this is exactly how you lost and this whole shit happened in the first place.

For me this is it. I’m done. I’m not taking hate and bile, I’m not going in the trenches to desperately try and explain that you need to give people some sort of perspective, yes even those dumb and intolerant people you think are worthless. Shit look at yourself, you’re so desperate to defend how this went that you keep digging up the worst racist comments to claim there was NO ONE who could have been swayed. Conveniently forgetting the 50% that didn’t vote. That don’t say such shit. That are still just being silent because they think Trump and his faction are terrible but aren’t ready to endure the firestorm of attacks from their own liberal friends if they so much as admit they stayed at home. They don’t want to take the torrent of accusations of being sexist or racist or whatever the fuck just to keep you from self-destructing by making the pro war avatar of Wall Street some sort of leftwing saint now. Hey look at that I’m anti-Semite too now because “Banks” is code for “Jews” even if its really meant to simplify the issues of a global financial system that has outgrown all reason and I liked Sanders (Oh shit he’s a BernieBro! Is there no end to labels you got ready for anyone who warned you Hillary Clinton is a bad choice? ) but yeah whatever makes you happy.

Keep circling the wagons and blame everyone except for the strategy that lost this. The damage is going to be so large that it might not even matter if you can get your shit together from now on and I don’t have the energy to fight with what should be my own side.

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Rob Ford is proud of himself and you should be too!

8 01 2016

The man, the legend, the icon is back! Well technicay he was never gone but I don’t see local Canadian news a lot. Anyway, my man Rob Ford is talking again, specifcialy he’s saying that he doesn’t realy know if he took crack or not. Which is totaly fair,  if you take so much weird shit its hard to know what exactly you’re high from. And anyway it shouldn’t matter because he has been clean for two years which realy is longer than can expect considering that he’s only been in a public office for 15.

I mean technicaly its hard to know, if he wasn’t sure if the stuff he took was crack then it might be a bit hard to know if he’s clean since he wouldn’t exactly know if he used crack again. I mean how would he? I don’t even know how exactly you take crack. Do you smoke it? Snort it of a hooker? If so, is it the only thing you snort of a hooker? How can the poor guy tell. And if you do know how it is taken maybe that’s saying more bad things about you than about Rob Ford. You should take a long hard look at your life.

What truly counts is that Rob Ford is proud of himself. That means he just got praise from Rob Ford, so who are you to critisize him? Did Rob Ford endorse your lifestyle? Yeah I didn’t think so. If Ford is proud of himself then you should be too! No, not proud of yourself, proud of him obviously.

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Your probably just angry you din’t get a Rob Ford wobbly head, that’s why!





Toronto, please elect this man!

27 10 2014

Sadly, sadly current mayor Rob Ford is not running for reelection. But do not despair for there is another. Rob Ford has a brother!

Pleeaaaaase. The world can not live without these magnificent assholes. How the hell do these guys happen? Who gives them money? They are like magical creatures. Like unicorns. Except that they’re assholes.





Thank you for calling the United States

1 09 2014

CANDSTARsmTo be invaded, press 1.

To be droned, press 2.

To file a complaint, press any key. As long as it’s 2.





Democracy in Germany

2 10 2013

Remember my Co-Author on this Blog, the Nice Dino? Yeah, neither do I. After all its been a while, which makes even my posting habbits seem disciplined. But like Godzilla some shit is bad enough to aware this dinosaur and so we got this article over last week’s election in Germany.

Germany elected a new government a little while ago. On September the 22nd 2013, to be exact. So, let´s take a look at the outcome, shall we?

Here is the result. Of course that won´t help you much unless you know what the different parties stand for. I´ll try to explain it to the best of my abilities. I´ll go from biggest to smallest.

results

CDU/CSU

We are Nazis, but we are clever enough to conceal that fact.

Those are two parties rolled together. Why? The CDU (short for: Christian Democratic Union) runs for office in all of Germany except Bavaria while the CSU (translates: Christian Social Union) runs for office in Bavaria only. Just in case you don´t know; Bavaria is a state of Germany. But it has a long history predating the modern Nation of Germany and still considers itself to be somewhat special. That´s not that surprising, though. Usually many foreigners confuse Bavarian culture for German culture because their stuff is pretty iconic. Like the „Oktoberfest“, for example.

What´s to say about the CDU/CSU? Well, they are actually pretty similar to each other. They are conservative and usually govern this country. The serve the Banks and the big industry and they go all the way with that. Need some tax money because you screwed up? Well, take as much as you like. Don´t worry. We can always milk the common people for more.

Their counterpart from the United States of America would be the Republicans.

Angela Merkel, the leader of the CDU and Chancellor of Germany. This is what we voted for, folks. Why? Because we suck. That´s why.

Angela Merkel, the leader of the CDU and Chancellor of Germany. This is what we voted for, folks. Why? Because we suck. That´s why.

SPD

Once we were a pro laborer and pro worker unions party. Unfortunately we forgot about that along the way.

The SPD (short for: Social democratic Party of Germany) always was the opposing force to the CDU/CSU. Unfortunately the came to power at some point, liked it way to much and decided they now want to be just like them. That is really a shame, though. These guys used to be the alright. More than just alright, actually. The SPD was the only party to vote AGAINST World War I. They also put great effort into restoring the broken relationship to our neighboring countries after World War II had ended. Still, at the moment they are in a crisis. The managed to alienate their base of supporters and most of the respect people had for them is simply lost by now.

Linke

We are communists!

The Linke (Left) is partly a heritage from the time when Germany was divided during the era of the Cold War. There is a lot of Eastern Germany/Soviet Union stuff in there. Yeah, real communists. And I am not making this up. I used to be against these guys very much. Communism wasn´t that great of an idea, after all. The results were way to similar to the Third Reich, in fact. But at the moment social injustice is that big in Germany, that we actually might end up needing these guy. As sad as it is.

Grüne

We hug trees!

The Grüne (Greens) are the youngest party among the major players. They are, in essence, an environmental protection party. Pretty cool, right? Well, they used to be in the beginning but just like the SPD they lost much of their charm and credibility along the way. That´s not their only problem, though. They used to fight for the common man as well. You know, welfare and such. All the good stuff. But they are either not very good at it or just not that interested in it any more.

These are all the parties that will appear in our parliament, the “Bundestag”. Some of them will form the actual government, some will oppose it. Who will be doing what is not clear at this point. But wait? What about the rest? No, I did not forget them. Here, a special law comes into play. The so-called “Fuenf-Prozent-Huerde” (translates to: five-percent-barrier). Parties that fail to get at least five percent of the votes are not allowed to partake in parliament. This is to ensure that the parliament is not flooded with little parties which are unable to find common ground and thus make it impossible to establish a functional government. This was a big problem during the “Weimarer Republik”, the democratic Germany in between World War I and II, which was partially responsible for their downfall and thus made the rise of National-socialism, better known as the NAZIS, possible.

I am still gonna say something about the small fry, because they picture you would be getting would be way to incomplete if I did not.

FDP

We are conservatives, yet still somewhat clever/liberal.

Welcome to the losers. The FDP (short for: Free Democratic Party) is new NOT to make the five-percent-barrier. The dropped by almost 10% and are therefore the big losers of this election. The usually made it in, barely sometimes but they managed to do so for as long as I can remember, allied themselves with the CDU/CSU (the biggest one at the beginning of this text) and thus managed to play a major role in german politics over the years. They used to tone the CDU´s conservatives down a bit, but asides from that they turned pretty faceless over the years. Even more so than all the rest of them. While not necessarily against the FDP I still think it was about time they got kicked out. It just seems unjustifiable for a party that small to play a role that important.

AfD

We hate the Euro!

The AfD (short for: Alternative for Germany) is the youngest, noteworthy party in Germany. It is, essentially, an Anti-Euro-Movement. These guys want to replace the common currency of the euro zone by national currencies or smaller euro zones including only countries that are economically stable. The founding of this party is a result of the massive financial crisis which occurred over the last couple of years. It reflects the reluctance of the people to use tax money to support bankers who deserve to be fired instead. Sadly, the AfD did not make it in. Too bad. This would have been a real lesson for the conservative CDU/CSU.

Pirates

We love the internet!

Unfortunately the Piraten (translates to… well… Pirates) did not make it either. The Piraten are pretty new as well. They are a civil rights movement, which wants to keep the internet free. The are a counter movement to the increasing surveillance madness following the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center in 2001. I am proud to say that I am a Pirate. I am a member of this party because, in my opinion, freedom can only be preserved by freedom of information. Besides, being a pirate is just cool. Just ask Once Piece cosplayers. Yeah, we didn´t make it in. Again. But we´ll keep on trying.

NPD

We are Nazis and not even smart enough to conceal that fact.

The NPD (short for: National democratic party of Germany) did not make it as well. Can´t say that I am too sad about that. Actually they did not even make it into this graph. That´s how small they are. They are somewhere in the last category labeled “Andere”, which means something like; others or all the rest. The NPD is what is left of the Third Reich. If you ever have the unlikely problem of thinking that there is still hope for humanity, consider this: There are still people in Germany who are officially Nazis as well as people who vote for them.

What is wrong with this picture?

If you are a thoughtful observer you may have figured it out already. Despite the fact that the conservative CDU/CSU got the biggest junk of the votes, the remaining three liberals are stronger, if you add their percentages together. Theoretically they could ally themselves with one another and run the country together. This is exactly what the people want. But this is not going to happen. Why? Because the SPD won´t align themselves with the communists (Linke). They stated that before elections took place. But that is just plain stupid since now there is no way the will of the people can be carried out. Yes, they would ally themselves with the environmentalists (Gruene). They do that all the time. But in this scenario this is not enough.

What is going to happen instead? Exactly what the majority of the Germans do not want to happen. The CDU/CSU will be the government. They can´t ally themselves with the FDP any longer, since this party did not make it in this time. Therefore it has to be one of the others. But which one? The environmentalists (Gruene)? Unlikely. The communists (Linke)? Very unlikely. So, only the SPD remains. This is the most likely outcome of this scenario as well as the reason why the SPD sucks so much nowadays. Instead of resisting them they are willingly joining the conservatives. That is exactly the reason they bleed supporters a trend that will hopefully continue.

So, in essence, Germany voted for a liberal government and gets a conservative one instead. This is Democracy in Germany. Disappointed? But just you wait. There still is more. Remember the five-percent-barrier? Guess what this barrier is holding suppressed? Yes, you are right. Mostly liberals. More “will of the people”. Now, this is what I call depressing. But, to be completely honest with you, that´s also the people´s fault. And this is where I really get angry.

Of course I am a bit disappointed that the Pirates (Piraten) did not make it. That would have been a major pain for the conservatives. But honestly, I wasn´t really surprised by that all that much. I mean, we call ourselves Pirates (Piraten). Of course all the Germans are afraid of that cool of a name. And Freedom of information? Most elderly people don´t even know what the internet is and have no idea of how it works.

So, why I am complaining? Honestly? Because the AfD did not make it in. I have heard people complain about the Euro since it was introduced. I am totally serious. People bitched and moaned about it like forever and this is still going on. Of course there never was such a thing as an Anti-Euro-Party. Till now. Now there is one and it doesn´t make it past the five-percent-barrier. Fuck you, Germans. You are nothing but a bunch of sheep. Grow some balls and get your shit together. Stop being conservative, hypocritical, cowardly dickheads and finally start to vote for what you want. Not what you think others would like you to want, nor try to vote tactically. If you do the later you have lost even before participating in the election process. That´s not the way it works. It´s not about joining the flock. It´s not about voting for the biggest party there is. You have not won if you vote for the actual winner. You can only win by voting for the party you want to run this country. That is the only way.

Bottom line

Now, what conclusion can we draw? Democracy in Germany just doesn´t work. It doesn´t. End of story. And this is not due to the effort of conservative government forces alone. This is a freaking team effort. Conservative Parties and the people of this country hand in hand. United against the very idea of democracy and freedom. This is truly awful. Welcome to Germany.

The sad truth

 





Lizards don’t like porn?

23 07 2013

David Cameron is a lizard. This is not news. So it shouldn’t be surprising that he is disgusted by the mating rituals of mammals. Put like this maybe this is not a flimsy excuse to establish a censorship infrastructure after all?

Everyone has dirty laundry and it seems those miscreants on the net just won’t settle for sharing pictures of kittens in various ridiculous poses. But one man has had enough! David Cameron is standing up to fight for all the lying, scheming, power-abusing politicians as they helpless shake their fists while shouting “And we’ve would have gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for you meddling kids and your stupid internet!”.

Or maybe it is. I certainly say so behind that link. And the Lizard thing? I’Ll let Charlie Brooker explain that one to you:

David Cameron is a lizard

Last week, during the opening preamble to a fairly pedestrian whinge about glitzy BBC promo trails, I called Prime Minister David Cameron a “pitiless blank-eyed hell-wraith” and described his familiar evening ritual: a stomach-churning rite which opens with ceremonial skin-shedding and climaxes with the swallowing of a live foal.

So far, so utterly reasonable. But Graeme Archer of the Daily Telegraph was less than impressed. In a riposte entitled “Charlie Brooker and the Tragedy of the Modern Left”, he wrote that he was appalled that “Mr. Brooker felt the need to spend four paragraphs to tell us that the Prime Minister is, in fact, a lizard [and] that he is served by lizards who aid him in the consumption of live flesh once the sun goes down.”

He went on to criticise the article’s “quite repellent imagery, deliberately deployed in order to de-humanise a perfectly reasonable Conservative”, before complaining that “to describe a political opponent as a blood-sucking lizard isn’t amusing; and even if it were, it is depraved”. In conclusion, he wrote: “Neither good people who vote Tory, nor their honourable opponents who vote Labour, are less than human: they are just people who happen to disagree on political objectives and tactics.”

Archer has a point. It isn’t fair to imply someone is “less than human”. It would be unfair, for instance, to describe Geoff Hoon as “an overfed, self-satisfied cat, oozing smugness” or to describe Labour MPs en masse as a “legion of dead-eyed Brown spawn”, as Archer did in his Conservative Home blog, presumably as part of some strange unconscious typing accident.

Archer writes vividly and from the heart and, if his byline photo is anything to go by, appears to be a perfectly reasonable man (specifically, Ross Kemp). He deserves the benefit of the doubt. But I fear in his rush to reprimand the “Modern Left”, he has overlooked one key fact: David Cameron is a lizard.

Yes, David Cameron is a lizard. A lizard that devours live foals in its lair. And as far as Archer is concerned, it’s perfectly fine for this limbless, non-human, Cameron-reptile-beast-thing to squirm across the stone floor of its den merrily excreting the bones of its victims, yet I’m “depraved” simply for writing about it. This is the tragedy of the Modern Right. They’re idiots.

Well, let me spell it out: You cannot dehumanise a lizard. Not without humanising it first, by giving it a little top hat, say, or a monocle. Maybe put some lipstick on it. And a wig. Teach it to walk sexy. That’s the way. Now confess: you already feel like getting to base three with the thing. But don’t! It’s still just a creature.

But that’s a standard lizard we’re talking about. Sadly Cameron is no standard lizard. He can’t even be classified as a conventional reptile, because that would require him to have some kind of quantifiable earthly form – which, as a malevolent paranormal entity continually shifting between dimensions, he simply doesn’t have.

I know this sounds crazy. But don’t take my word for it. Last week I asked the online community if it had further proof of Cameron’s true nature. I was immediately inundated with terrifying eyewitness accounts.

Twitter enthusiast @djamesc wrote: “I went to school with Cameron. He used to curl up next to the radiator during lunch. He only ate once a week.”

Steve Hogarty said: “I once saw him behind a branch of Waitrose using both hands to squeeze a swollen pulsating neck gland (or ‘sac’) into a dustbin.”

Pianist Stephen Frizzle “witnessed Cameron slice off his finger whilst preparing vegetables, and it just grew back. No word of a lie.”

Rob Carmier from Brighton recalled that on the day the lift wasn’t working at the G8 summit, Cameron “merely climbed the glass exterior with flattened palms”.

Gareth James explained the recent hot weather was caused when Cameron “surrounded the UK with glass walls because he needs to live in a vivarium”.

While a few of Cameron’s lizard properties sound almost charming – as Betsy Martian pointed out: “if ever he thinks his backbenchers are conspiring against him, he can turn his head a full 180 degrees to check” – others are less attractive.

For instance Paul Yates recalled: “I went to a business lunch with Cameron once and he ordered spiders. We all laughed, but he just stared at us.”

This chilling behaviour was merely the tip of a deeply unsettling iceberg. Pete Strover encountered “a pack of feral dogs gathered in an underpass” which “barked Cameron’s name in unison”, Dave Probert “once saw Cameron vomit up his entire skeleton to avoid having to admit he doesn’t know where Wales is”, Tom Bain “saw Cameron put his entire hand through the hole in the middle of a CD”, while perhaps most damningly of all, Darren Smith said: “I heard he strips completely naked to have a shit.”

Hundreds of similar reports flooded in. I did my best throughout the week to alert everyone on Twitter to Cameron’s reptilian ways, but after several hours of unrelenting lizard warnings from me, they grew bored. Some begged me to “be funny again”. Others asked me to “drop the lizard shit” or “change the record” or “STFU”. Undeterred, I bravely persisted, all week long, repeatedly tweeting that Cameron was a lizard. Or maybe two lizards. Or some sort of ghost. But definitely evil and definitely not human. Yet still, thousands unfollowed me. It was almost as if they simply didn’t want to be told that David Cameron is a reptilian daemon that enters our realm each morning by slithering through a haunted mirror in order to feast on human souls.

No one wants to know. They’re in denial, or maybe hypnotised by the sulphurous mind-control gas Cameron emits from a series of gummy, puckering apertures along his underbelly. At least here you get the truth. Which is that he is a lizard. And by “he”, I mean Cameron. David Cameron. Who is a lizard. David Cameron is a lizard.





America is sick, wounded and very confused

15 07 2013

ParanoiaWhile inside the US people of color are wondering if the law does even protect them America’s allies on the outside are starting to wonder if they’re dealing with a a dangerous case of delusions. Since 2005 about 25 Americans lose their lifes to terrorism each year. Most of them while being outside of the US. More Americans die through TV sets falling from windows each year than through terrorism yet the US spends billions each year to wage an imagined war against the middle east, its own citizens and now its allied nations. In its paranoia the US are turning themselves into a totalitarian police state that hunts the few heroes who are willing to stand up and tell its people what is going on.

And the worst part is you can’t even talk to them about it, there is no understanding that breaking the fundamental laws of their allied states will be a problem for them since they’ve cultivated an “us against everyone” attitude for such a long time. Even the ones who would be willing to see it can’t afford to talk about it. Sure one could go out there and attack the Obama administration but what few people outside the US realize is that they are fighting an internal force that wants to push them back into the dark ages. Why should they care how much data the White House collects if they are in a constant battle for basic rights like equal marriage or a woman’s right to control her own womb?

No matter from which side you look at it this mess seems to be impossible to solve and it gets worse every year. If this is all an elaborate show to keep everyone helpless while they reform the country in their own image the Koch brothers are geniuses on the level of comic book supervillains.